I haven't put too much thought into my resolutions yet. I am constantly making new goals and going after them physically, and I think I've proven to myself that I can meet any diet or physical challenge. In 2011 I ran 11 races, 3 of which were 1/2 Marathons and 1 full Marathon. I became a better skier, mastered and adjusted to the Paleo Diet and have learned to love CrossFit challenges thank to my trainer. At this point, it's a matter of trying new things. But I know, already, that I'm into that so making those my resolutions would be a cop-out. Beat my 5k time... complete a Tough Mudder or Spartan, cross country skiing or snow board, jump higher, last longer, get faster, etc etc... I think it's obvious that I found my passion in life and pursuing my health & fitness passions as a New Years 2012 Resolution would be cheating. Resolutions should be something you need to, and SHOULD strive for.
Instead, I want to make resolutions like (1) Become closer to God (2) Be more patient with my daughters (3) Spend more time outside (4) Volunteer more and (5) Be a better listener to my husband (and friends).
It's so much more convenient to leave faith out of my resolutions, because that is actual work. Like real, honest, dirty work. It forces me to look at myself the way God sees me and question my worthiness. A truth I'd rather ignore and continue living a borderline-good life. In the back of my mind I think "I'm a pretty decent person. I volunteer. I give. I am loyal to friends and family. I don't beat my kids and I have never cheated on my husband. There. And there. I'm a good person! A slip up here and there won't disappoint God. THAT much". Gossip; guilty. Judging others; guilty. Not forgiving; guilty. Speeding in a school zone...
At some point, hopefully NOW, I'll get brave enough to face myself spiritually. So 2012, look out. Plus, if the Mayan Calendar is correct, then I really need to get my butt in gear and be ready to meet my maker. That's not 100% a joke... maybe 49%. And I'll cover that in the faith department. I cannot help but worry and be duped easily into fear. What if?
No lie, these girls drive me insane. They are both at an age where I lose sight of what's realistic to request of them, and how to set my expectations properly for their development. I probably threaten Andy 2 or 3 times a week to go back to work full time or pick up 6 more classes in school just to RUN AWAY. And to some degree, that's fine and my husband is supportive whichever way I go. But I made the FINAL (hopefully) decision to stay home until Kelli is in school. This means my Criminal Justice degree is on hold for a couple of years so I can really live in the moment with Kelli the same way I did with Sydney. You can never get those years back. And Kelli's illness also had a lot to do with the decision, but here I am going crazy because I listen to crying or tantrums all day, or the girls are fighting over who had the purple marker first, Kelli won't eat and Sydney is angry over making the wrong move in chess, and I have to skip a run because Sydney has gymnastics (woe is me I know) and they both have 500 questions, needs & requests for me the second we get home and I have to unload the car and get dinner started. My patience has been sub-par and I don't feel like I am measuring up the way I should as a Mother. Sydney is very smart and mature for her age, and so at times when she behaves saucy I don't give her enough credit for truly just acting her age. I forget, so many times, that she is 6 not 12. Bottom line, she is a GOOD kid and I need to go easier on her. Kelli is 2, but thanks to Sydney being such an easy baby and toddler, I think our expectations are also too high for Kelli. She's pretty normal when you think about it: tantrums, crying instead of using her words, refusing the potty, being a picky eater, making GIGANTIC messes (it's like she lives in a monkey pen most the time which is no good for my OCD anxiety about 'neatness') and not wanting to share with new friends. I mean, I really get on her and feel almost offended (yes offended) when she acts out this way because I go on this internal thought process journey like she just hates me, Sydney never did this, she must have some evil gene in her (Father's side obviously) and there's no way I can control it. But seriously. She's 2. I need to get over it. I HAVE to be a more understanding mother. Sydney is allowed to be emotional or dramatic. She is 6. Kelli can be allowed (and guided through) tantrums. Patience is second to faith, but if I put more stock into God then the rest will follow.
My poor husband. I need to do a better job at serving him the respect, patience, understanding and quality time he deserves. Yes, that is a do-it-yourself head scratcher on his head. Basically that was my message to him (from his perspective): "do it yourself". I suck. And though, admittedly, I hate rubbing anyone's head (especially if they have been sweating or have hair product in there), he is my husband and I know he enjoys it. My anxieties and pet peeves have quadrupled in the last few years, and so it's not like I just make up things to be annoyed about, it's just an anxiety thing and that's how I deal. But at some point, I have to look at myself and ask why I'm hanging onto these issues. It becomes more about me than the other person and if I can change how I feel or perceive, then I won't be such a prisoner to anxiety. And could possibly give my husband a head rub or let him lay on me without me feeling claustrophobic. I also need to listen to him better. When he talks about work, I LISTEN, but I am not engaged... so I might as well not even listen. I always feel like I have to multi-task everything so it's hard for me to STOP doing dishes or wiping the counter or typing a note to a friend, looking at my calendar or wiping Kelli's nose as she walks by or checking to see if Sydney has her school uniform off yet while he is standing there talking to me. My mind never stops, so physically I do not slow down either. Again... anxiety. But he's earned my time and deserves it. I should STOP.
2012. I know this will be an amazing year, but here's my chance to actually take time and evaluate myself as a Child of God, as a mother, as a wife and as a friend. I've conquered change before. So here goes another set of challenges!
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